The Diary of a First Time Mom of Twins: Bills, Breast Feeding & Balancing Acts

Am I a Failure as a Mother?

badmom

Being a mom can be very overwhelming at times. I find myself sad and feeling guilty now that I am back at work.  Lately I have been feeling that flooding feeling and experiencing temporary moments of insanity. I’d rather  be home with my babies; But I have to go to work right now (putting positive work at home/ entrepreneurial thoughts into the atmosphere)!

I feel like I am a bad mother because I stopped breastfeeding my babies at 4 month old. Somewhere between my Tuesday snicker, glass of red wine and going back to work my milk supply dried up to where I was really just producing vapors. And when I gave it the last final try my boys were screaming inconsolably from hunger. Now that I really think about it I am really saddened by being unable to feed my babies. Am I selfish? Could I have taken better care of my self? I feel like I cheated them:(.

Then I feel like I am missing their milestones like rolling over and their coos. They are making the transition to pureed foods and I feel so drained by the time I get home, that I feel as though I am not effectively doing everything I need to do to spearhead this huge transition. When I wake up during the week I try to make sure they have fresh diapers and they’ve at least eaten 5 oz and by the time I get home they are still up but cranky from their day. Once I give baths it’s time for possibly their second to last bottle, before I put them down at night. Then I try to read them a story every night but by the time they have their cereal bottle they are out or I am just too tired to decipher the tongue twisters of Dr. Seuss. But no matter how much I do… Sometimes I feel like I am failing them…

Though people have tried there is no way one can bottle this job (Motherhood) into a book. Even though “How to be a Mother for Dummies” is a hilarious title. The stress of wanting to be “the perfect mom” is definitely real. I beat myself up when I am a minute late picking my sons up from daycare. I imagine their little faces and their huge eyes filling up with tears and wonderment like “Where is my mommy”? “Why oh why has she forsaken us”? A bit dramatic for 5 month olds but if they are anything like their mother I am sure that is exactly where their minds and mouths will go once they are able to talk.

Now that I am a mother I truly understand when parents say “I tried my best”… This thing of motherhood better yet PARENTHOOD is both a GROWING PROCESS as well as a JOURNEY and trust me this thing is NOT for the faint hearted.

Signed,

A Mother & A Life Perfectionist