Measure of a Woman: Baggage

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I have alot of mess I need to get off my chest that I really thought that I had dealt with a long time ago. I have been through a lot in my young life… I have experienced emotional abuse and witnessed my mom getting beat in the bathroom of out apartment in the projects. There were times when I would lie and say that I wasn’t hungry just because I knew we didn’t have anything to eat. There were times when we didn’t have hot water in the dead of winter and I would have to take bird baths with water from the hot plate.

I was sexually abused and assaulted by sons of my mothers friends… I was never taught to love or value myself mainly because she (my mother) was never taught. So whose to blame? You to blame? I’m to blame, it’s my fault… Nobody every told me it wasn’t… So it must be, right? I’ve had to reassure and teach myself that though these things happened to me, they happened for a reason but it wasn’t my fault. Nobody held me and told me I was beautiful and innocent.

There is so much more… Thoughts and words I can’t even articulate right now so I will wait…

But through it all I realize that Beauty is ever fleeting such is life. Now I am 25 years old, blessed with two beautiful- healthy baby boys. Yet I am still grappling with trying to figure out why I am so Angry. I want to be a better mother and woman than the ideas that I’ve seen and been exposed to. No diss to the women that raised me they did the best they could with what they were given but the little girl inside of me still wants to be held and reassured, I want to feel safe. So I’ll wait…

(To be continued)