In 2011, I had endless thoughts about death. About trying to understand and except it and moving on there after. These thoughts and dreams were dark and very scary to me. Partly because I had no idea where they where coming from and all I wanted was for them to stop. But for some reason my subconscious was obsessed with death.
More specifically these thoughts forced me to think about my mother. She was getting older and I was getting older and no day on this earth is promised to either of us… Which forced me to evaluate our relationship and how I would cope if God forbid she was taken from this earth. The very thought of this was incomprehensible.
My mother and I have emotionally abused one another, physically fought and been at odds since I was about 11 or 12 years old, like most mother/ teen daughter relationships. Nevertheless, these dreams I was having were more so, serving as epiphanies.
As I reflect back on these dreams and feelings I had so many years ago with the recent passing of my grandfather. I think about my father and his life and some of the choices he made as a man and father. Knowing what I know now I cannot help but feel compassion and love for him. I think now that I am an adult and a parent myself I can somewhat understand that most people are struggling with their own demons and generational curses themselves. When we become parents we have absolutely no idea what we are doing even with this being said most of us still have the desire to be better versions our own parents. However, some people are unable to overcome generational situations and become their best selves.
Nevertheless, I strongly believe that the older we become in order for us to achieve true peace it’s important to rebuild and mend our relationships with our parents as well as those we have ever wronged in order for us to experience true freedom. For the reason that, at the end of the day all we have is our integrity and are our relationships with people. And the ones with our parents and family is not one we can chosen on either sides. But instead of holding on to resentment and harboring anger we should love each other beyond our flaws. I know it is easier said than done because as people we are so prideful “hurt people, hurt people” (but will you be where it stops?). Take the time to learn and develop an empathy for how that person developed those imperfections so when it is all said and done when there will be nothing left unsaid and no regrets.