The Diary of a First Time Mom of Twins: The “Good Mom” Tells the Truth

Post originally featured on: Climbing Out Dot Com for the Journeying to Enough Segment

“There are a lot of crazy people who have children and I have always been interested in how children maneuver and decide how to live, it’s hard. I’ve always had a deep respect for children and how they solve complex problems, by themselves… I think through shrewdness, fantasy and just plain strength they want to survive. THEY WANT TO SURVIVE”. ~ Maurice Sendak(author & illustrator of Where the Wild Things Are)

I found this video in the early part of 2015 and it has sat with me since. When I tell you God always, and I mean ALWAYS has a way of connecting the dots and revealing ideas and messages to me I sometimes find it hard to articulate. I have really been reflecting hard on motherhood for the past couple of years (four to be exact). Specifically, on how I’ve changed, grown as a woman and most pressingly; how do I become the type of mother I want to be to and for my sons? I am often left with the burning question, of how do I raise happy, whole, god fearing men, when I myself am so broken? How do I, instill enough love in them, so that when they go out into the world they know how to discern unequivocally the difference between what is real and what is a facade? Then the realization that I am grossly lacking the skill set to accomplish these things begin to set in , because I do not by any stretch of the imagination have the tools necessary for such an immense task.

Nevertheless, I know that in order to achieve these goals. I need to unpack my baggage so that I can be a better mother, a more affectionate and attentive mother. See I want my children to want to be around me when they are teenagers and adults. How do I get there? I mean I am a yeller and I am sometimes deficit in the patience necessary to deal with two rambunctious little boys. I can literally scream at the top of my lungs bringing myself within seconds of a heart attack and they will just ignore me and be in there own little worlds. And when I sit back to reassess my responses, I often realize I should not have reacted the way I did.  Just the same it gives me joy that they can have and find peace in spite of me.

Although motherhood can at times be hard and overwhelming. I will not by any means allow my stuff to become theirs. So I am training myself to push through the fog. As it is only when I stop looking at this assignment as a burden and I truly connecting myself to God; that I can fully take in the beauty of my babies, their different personalities and talents. “For I am merely a vessel that was used to get them here. Their purpose on this earth is far greater than me. My job is to help shape and guide them into realizing the path that God has set before them and encouraging them to walk in that.”

My children are so beautiful; they are becoming real little people. Everyday is an adventure and they are super intuitive and observant. My oldest always asks me “mommy are you happy?” They are four, why do they know, better yet why do they have to ask me this? My response is always “Are you ok baby, are you happy? That is all that matters.” I’ve got to watch my emotions and how I project them. As far as my shortcomings, all I can do is sleep on them, wake up and try again in the morning.

Mason and Micah force me to strive to be the best version of myself. While I am still trying to figure out whom that is and what that looks like. I have to remind myself daily that I am worthy of Motherhood. It is such a gift.

I AM ENOUGH #period

James Baldwin

“You were born where you were born and faced the future that you faced because you were black and for no other reason,” Rock recited. “The limits to your ambition were thus expected to be settled. You were born into a society which spelled out with brutal clarity and in as many ways as possible that you were a worthless human being. You were not expected to aspire to excellence. You were expected to make peace with mediocrity.”

Washington Post Article: “Can we talk about the Gender Pay Gap?”

Also, women of color get hit twice: they suffer the effects of the gender wage gap plus those of the race wage gap. While wages for White and Asian women have improved since 2007, salaries for Hispanic women have flatlined, and even declined for African American women.

Yesterday, and many days before it, I have found myself getting the wind knocked out of me (figuratively). There are times when I feel like I am out floating on an island by myself when it comes to my career, growth and most importantly “securing the bag”. I see people who are not particularly smarter or harder workers than myself, continuing to advance. I find myself wondering what am I doing wrong, and why do they not recognize my value? I get up every morning get my kids and myself dressed. Get us out the door and to our respective places of work, for them it’s school for me it’s my place of employment. But to no avail it’s just a hamster wheel. The I read this Washington Post article, check it out here:

Can we talk about the gender pay gap?

I might be ready to get off and be obedient to God…