Post originally featured on: Climbing Out Dot Com for the Journeying to Enough Segment
“There are a lot of crazy people who have children and I have always been interested in how children maneuver and decide how to live, it’s hard. I’ve always had a deep respect for children and how they solve complex problems, by themselves… I think through shrewdness, fantasy and just plain strength they want to survive. THEY WANT TO SURVIVE”. ~ Maurice Sendak(author & illustrator of Where the Wild Things Are)
I found this video in the early part of 2015 and it has sat with me since. When I tell you God always, and I mean ALWAYS has a way of connecting the dots and revealing ideas and messages to me I sometimes find it hard to articulate. I have really been reflecting hard on motherhood for the past couple of years (four to be exact). Specifically, on how I’ve changed, grown as a woman and most pressingly; how do I become the type of mother I want to be to and for my sons? I am often left with the burning question, of how do I raise happy, whole, god fearing men, when I myself am so broken? How do I, instill enough love in them, so that when they go out into the world they know how to discern unequivocally the difference between what is real and what is a facade? Then the realization that I am grossly lacking the skill set to accomplish these things begin to set in , because I do not by any stretch of the imagination have the tools necessary for such an immense task.
Nevertheless, I know that in order to achieve these goals. I need to unpack my baggage so that I can be a better mother, a more affectionate and attentive mother. See I want my children to want to be around me when they are teenagers and adults. How do I get there? I mean I am a yeller and I am sometimes deficit in the patience necessary to deal with two rambunctious little boys. I can literally scream at the top of my lungs bringing myself within seconds of a heart attack and they will just ignore me and be in there own little worlds. And when I sit back to reassess my responses, I often realize I should not have reacted the way I did. Just the same it gives me joy that they can have and find peace in spite of me.
Although motherhood can at times be hard and overwhelming. I will not by any means allow my stuff to become theirs. So I am training myself to push through the fog. As it is only when I stop looking at this assignment as a burden and I truly connecting myself to God; that I can fully take in the beauty of my babies, their different personalities and talents. “For I am merely a vessel that was used to get them here. Their purpose on this earth is far greater than me. My job is to help shape and guide them into realizing the path that God has set before them and encouraging them to walk in that.”
My children are so beautiful; they are becoming real little people. Everyday is an adventure and they are super intuitive and observant. My oldest always asks me “mommy are you happy?” They are four, why do they know, better yet why do they have to ask me this? My response is always “Are you ok baby, are you happy? That is all that matters.” I’ve got to watch my emotions and how I project them. As far as my shortcomings, all I can do is sleep on them, wake up and try again in the morning.
Mason and Micah force me to strive to be the best version of myself. While I am still trying to figure out whom that is and what that looks like. I have to remind myself daily that I am worthy of Motherhood. It is such a gift.
I AM ENOUGH #period
The world is a scary place all by itself. Make your home a safe place for your children. You be there refuge.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to set the scene if you will…
Monday morning I traveled to the grocery store in order to get food in my house in preparing for Hurricane Irma. I carefully selected items for dinners and even a snack for my munchkins (lemonade icees). And for myself, after careful weighing of multiple options, I choose this wonderfulness below:
Doesn’t the name alone ooze marvelousness?
Audience Imagine letting that ice cream sit in your freezer for a day. And preparing your mouth after a long, draining day at the office for this piece of heavenly goodness only to find this when you open the container:
Do you understand the specturm of emotions I experienced all within .5 seconds? DO YOU? Perplexed, Anger, Hurt, Sadness, grabbling with the thoughts of beating my kids (I didn’t, but I did think about it) then the Empty VOID set in.
How did my husband allow these children to eat my beautiful ice cream that I was planning on consummating my love with tonight? Why would these two little monsters deprive me of the peace of heaven I had prepared my taste buds for? WHHHHYYY?
I am their mother I was pregnant with them for 38 weeks and 5 days. I threw up every single day (and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY) in my pregnancy. I had pups and suffered a heart arrhythmia. How dare they take this away from me?
Tell me WHERE IS THE Justice? WHERE IS THE Justice?
When you cuddle with your children and fall asleep in your bed sometimes you wake up in a puddle or two… at 1am ??♀️?. I knew I should have gotten up to make them pee. Luckily it was only one puddle! Everybody’s potty training is different, for us nighttime is still a bit of a struggle. Almost there though??
Back in May, I took my sons to their annual dentist appointment. Every thing went relatively well with the exception of getting news that Micah had four cavities😩😢. My first overwhelming emotion was "I'm a horrible mother. How could I allow this to happen?" My next thoughts were to get all the information from the doctors along with pricing for the two procedure options.
First, I asked , was it absolutely necessary to subject my son to this procedure if they are just adolescent teeth and would be falling out at some point? The doctor then proceeded to somewhat berate me as if I didn't have a college degree. At any rate she explained that the infected teeth were ones that would not start falling out until about 8 years old. And that a cavitiy is similar to that of a rash and if left untreated would affect his adult teeth.
I held off on choosing between the Oral and IV sedative because the doctor proceeded to tell me that I could not be in the room with my four year old for either procedure. When I tell you all watching them put my son under anesthesia was the most heart-wrenching, painful thing I've ever seen in my life. I wanted to die. He cried and all I could do was sing rock a bye baby and kiss him and tell him it would be ok before his body went limp. I damn near lost it, I was sobbing uncontrollably, I'm almost 85% sure snot was happening.
The procedure was rather quick, I moved my car to the back entrance and then they took me to a room and brought me my medically induced sleeping child. Waking him up was probably longer than the actually procedure, it took about 30 minutes for him to come to. Even after he was groggy for a couple of hours. Nevertheless, he got to eat ice cream at 10 o clock in the morning (Vanilla). The doctor said it was ok, taking better precautions.
There are three laundry baskets of clean clothes that need folding. Two and a half Bathrooms and a kitchen that need sweeping and moping and every room needs to be vacuumed. But you know what I have absolutely no energy or emergent will to execute any of these chores. None whatsoever.
Teach me how to not feel helpless, when I do not have the power…
Last summer I was pulled over by a Caucasian office while driving in Buckhead (downtown Atlanta) on my lunch hour. He pulled me over and as I pulling into a parking lot, I’m remembering all my steps…
- keep hands on the wheel in plan sight
- don’t reach for anything etc.
I roll my window down so I won’t have to when he gets to the car, so I will not have to move my hands. When he walks to my car, I am very aggravated and proceed to ask him “why am I being pulled over? I wasn’t speeding and my seat belt was on.” He says at first, equally perturbed (like how dare this little black girl ask me questions) “for running a red light.”
I immediately and calmly protest because this is a cross-section I am very familiar with and I told him “I clearly waited for the light to turn green to go”. He asked me for my license and registration (this is also stuff that I have ready to hand him before he even gets to my car). I give it to him and he walks back to his car and takes forever so naturally upon his second arrival to my car I have a heightened attitude. He then explains that I am now getting a ticket “for my license plate being obstructed and not being able to read my County.”
Now mind you, I had that Pink breast cancer frame that the car dealership gives you when you purchase a new car from Auto Nation. However, in my mind I am thinking and I say to the officer “everyone in Atlanta has some type of frame be it their Aluma Mater, Greek affiliations or something.” So at this point I am visibly upset and telling him “I am not taking that ticket, I know my rights I do not have to take the citation from you and furthermore I do not understand how you originally pulled me over for a running red light, which I did not. But now you are going to give me a ticket for something else you didn’t even pull me over for in the first place?”. I’m heated and arguing with him and he is yelling at me as well a not liking my tone. He then becomes very condescending and forceful in his tone and actions. And in that moment I checked myself, like I have these two car seats in the back seat of my car (it was midday so my babies were not with me) let me reel this in before this situation takes a horrible turn so I can make it home to my kids tonight because this man could possibly shoot me in broad daylight.
I took the ticket and when I got back to work I took a picture of my plate and you could clearly see my county. I also searched for the section that he stated the new law about not having a frame on your car and found absolutely nothing regarding it (as I said everyone in ATL is driving around happy with a framed plate till this day). Nevertheless, I wrote down my notes and account of all that exactly happened so I wouldn’t forget when I went to court in the month or two it was scheduled for because I was not going to pay a fine. I printed everything and I brought all of this back up to traffic court and presented it to the lawyers and my case was dismissed in 30 minutes or less.
I share this story because with the climate of our nation, black men and women are not even getting the chance to walk away from these situations because their lives are being taken on sight, even when they do everything right. Thinking of my sons being pulled over or stopped and murdered by police or anyone for that matter gives me this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, dry mouth, numbness through out my body and I lose my voice. As woman a black woman and mother sometimes I feel so powerless when my first job is to protect their lives. Despite, my education, status and the fact that I am a law-abiding citizen I am not exempt from this epidemic and neither are my beautiful boys. Everyday I try not to live in fear, I pray to God and over my children for protection and favor, however, I cannot help but to flash forward in my mind and think about how I am going to explain to these two sweet, rambunctious little boys, the cruel reality of what it means to be a black man in America, without dimming their light and lessening themselves.
All Eyez on Me ? or Cars 3?
Hmmmm decisions… the gag is I really want to see Cars also the cinematography on the first movie was pretty amazing ?!
Judge if you must. ??
Oh and I still haven’t seen Wonder Woman?.
So as you all know Father’s Day is rapidly approaching and I’m spent on ideas ?. So I say to myself, self ask these children what they would like to get for their father. Here is the conversation:
Mason: A present ?!
Me: Yes…but what type of present?
Micah: Ummm…a tiger ?!!!
Me: ? uh ok…hunny I don’t think we can afford a tiger. What else?
Mason: some boots…tiger boots!
Lawd! He’s getting that Star Wars card and that’s it. ?