Post originally featured on: Climbing Out Dot Com for the Journeying to Enough Segment
“There are a lot of crazy people who have children and I have always been interested in how children maneuver and decide how to live, it’s hard. I’ve always had a deep respect for children and how they solve complex problems, by themselves… I think through shrewdness, fantasy and just plain strength they want to survive. THEY WANT TO SURVIVE”. ~ Maurice Sendak(author & illustrator of Where the Wild Things Are)
I found this video in the early part of 2015 and it has sat with me since. When I tell you God always, and I mean ALWAYS has a way of connecting the dots and revealing ideas and messages to me I sometimes find it hard to articulate. I have really been reflecting hard on motherhood for the past couple of years (four to be exact). Specifically, on how I’ve changed, grown as a woman and most pressingly; how do I become the type of mother I want to be to and for my sons? I am often left with the burning question, of how do I raise happy, whole, god fearing men, when I myself am so broken? How do I, instill enough love in them, so that when they go out into the world they know how to discern unequivocally the difference between what is real and what is a facade? Then the realization that I am grossly lacking the skill set to accomplish these things begin to set in , because I do not by any stretch of the imagination have the tools necessary for such an immense task.
Nevertheless, I know that in order to achieve these goals. I need to unpack my baggage so that I can be a better mother, a more affectionate and attentive mother. See I want my children to want to be around me when they are teenagers and adults. How do I get there? I mean I am a yeller and I am sometimes deficit in the patience necessary to deal with two rambunctious little boys. I can literally scream at the top of my lungs bringing myself within seconds of a heart attack and they will just ignore me and be in there own little worlds. And when I sit back to reassess my responses, I often realize I should not have reacted the way I did. Just the same it gives me joy that they can have and find peace in spite of me.
Although motherhood can at times be hard and overwhelming. I will not by any means allow my stuff to become theirs. So I am training myself to push through the fog. As it is only when I stop looking at this assignment as a burden and I truly connecting myself to God; that I can fully take in the beauty of my babies, their different personalities and talents. “For I am merely a vessel that was used to get them here. Their purpose on this earth is far greater than me. My job is to help shape and guide them into realizing the path that God has set before them and encouraging them to walk in that.”
My children are so beautiful; they are becoming real little people. Everyday is an adventure and they are super intuitive and observant. My oldest always asks me “mommy are you happy?” They are four, why do they know, better yet why do they have to ask me this? My response is always “Are you ok baby, are you happy? That is all that matters.” I’ve got to watch my emotions and how I project them. As far as my shortcomings, all I can do is sleep on them, wake up and try again in the morning.
Mason and Micah force me to strive to be the best version of myself. While I am still trying to figure out whom that is and what that looks like. I have to remind myself daily that I am worthy of Motherhood. It is such a gift.
I AM ENOUGH #period
#MorePicsComing… #aMaterialMayhemEvent ?Showtout to @_thecandylab for the beautiful candy apples ?? and to @justbakedatl for the amazing and scrumptious cake!!! Showtowt to @cpgvisuals for always capturing ?my events???? Oh and showts to @tiamowry for the chicken parm skewer recipe I was told great things ??
The world is a scary place all by itself. Make your home a safe place for your children. You be there refuge.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to set the scene if you will…
Monday morning I traveled to the grocery store in order to get food in my house in preparing for Hurricane Irma. I carefully selected items for dinners and even a snack for my munchkins (lemonade icees). And for myself, after careful weighing of multiple options, I choose this wonderfulness below:
Doesn’t the name alone ooze marvelousness?
Audience Imagine letting that ice cream sit in your freezer for a day. And preparing your mouth after a long, draining day at the office for this piece of heavenly goodness only to find this when you open the container:
Do you understand the specturm of emotions I experienced all within .5 seconds? DO YOU? Perplexed, Anger, Hurt, Sadness, grabbling with the thoughts of beating my kids (I didn’t, but I did think about it) then the Empty VOID set in.
How did my husband allow these children to eat my beautiful ice cream that I was planning on consummating my love with tonight? Why would these two little monsters deprive me of the peace of heaven I had prepared my taste buds for? WHHHHYYY?
I am their mother I was pregnant with them for 38 weeks and 5 days. I threw up every single day (and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY) in my pregnancy. I had pups and suffered a heart arrhythmia. How dare they take this away from me?
Tell me WHERE IS THE Justice? WHERE IS THE Justice?
When you cuddle with your children and fall asleep in your bed sometimes you wake up in a puddle or two… at 1am ??♀️?. I knew I should have gotten up to make them pee. Luckily it was only one puddle! Everybody’s potty training is different, for us nighttime is still a bit of a struggle. Almost there though??
Back in May, I took my sons to their annual dentist appointment. Every thing went relatively well with the exception of getting news that Micah had four cavities😩😢. My first overwhelming emotion was "I'm a horrible mother. How could I allow this to happen?" My next thoughts were to get all the information from the doctors along with pricing for the two procedure options.
First, I asked , was it absolutely necessary to subject my son to this procedure if they are just adolescent teeth and would be falling out at some point? The doctor then proceeded to somewhat berate me as if I didn't have a college degree. At any rate she explained that the infected teeth were ones that would not start falling out until about 8 years old. And that a cavitiy is similar to that of a rash and if left untreated would affect his adult teeth.
I held off on choosing between the Oral and IV sedative because the doctor proceeded to tell me that I could not be in the room with my four year old for either procedure. When I tell you all watching them put my son under anesthesia was the most heart-wrenching, painful thing I've ever seen in my life. I wanted to die. He cried and all I could do was sing rock a bye baby and kiss him and tell him it would be ok before his body went limp. I damn near lost it, I was sobbing uncontrollably, I'm almost 85% sure snot was happening.
The procedure was rather quick, I moved my car to the back entrance and then they took me to a room and brought me my medically induced sleeping child. Waking him up was probably longer than the actually procedure, it took about 30 minutes for him to come to. Even after he was groggy for a couple of hours. Nevertheless, he got to eat ice cream at 10 o clock in the morning (Vanilla). The doctor said it was ok, taking better precautions.
There are three laundry baskets of clean clothes that need folding. Two and a half Bathrooms and a kitchen that need sweeping and moping and every room needs to be vacuumed. But you know what I have absolutely no energy or emergent will to execute any of these chores. None whatsoever.